Just before the accident I felt something break. The wheel spun away. I came to in a lake. The sky did not look right to me, the moon was upside down. Schools of shiny fish played hide-and-seek in the clouds. The water was cold, and I started to tremble. I hadn’t felt so lonesome in as long as I remember.

Let go — it’s okay. Heavy heart, Moonlight Lake. Let go — it’s okay. I forgive you.

I remember feeling like my life had been worthless. I dimly saw your pretty face above the shimmering surface. Were you crying? Girl, I’m sorry. You know I couldn’t stop. Add it to the list of all the virtuous things I’m not. Bye bye bye, it’s my turn to cry. I’ll never get a chance to set this right before I die.

Let go — it’s okay. Heavy heart, Moonlight Lake. Let go — it’s okay. I forgive you.

Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, all the way down.

I sank quickly to the bottom of the watery sky. The mud sucked me under and I thought I had died. The fishes swam away, and I bounced off the wall. Sprawled out flat on my face, passed out cold in the hall. Did you carry me to bed? I didn’t mean to put you through it. The water wasn’t water it was whiskey and I knew it.

Let go — it’s okay. Heavy heart, Moonlight Lake. Let go — it’s okay. I forgive you.

Nothing At All

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Jami Attenberg asked me to write music inspired by her forthcoming novel The Melting Season, and this is it.

It’s a beautiful story, and features love gone away, a long drive, and a lot of shame, all themes near and dear to my heart.

Jami Attenberg can be found here, and you can pre-order The Melting Season, set for release on January 21st, right here.

…

The Words:

I am afraid of what’s inside of me. Something awful. Something weak. Some kind of hurt is hidden away, and I feel nothing, and I am afraid of what’s inside of you. Something desperate, greedy and small. You’re never finished, you’re never okay. You’re never happy. And I am afraid.

Is this the end? Is this the last? You can smell it like rain. Where has our love gone? Where is my friend? Who will save us now? This is the end. The end of childhood, the end of knowing, the end of our dreams. We had such riches, but it’s all been spent, and there’s nothing left to leave. This is the end.

Hate me, I took everything. Forgive me, I took nothing. Will you miss me when I’m gone, like I missed you before? Before we went wrong? Like I missed you before we went wrong.

You’re long gone. When did you go? Was it your father? Was it the money? Was it my emptiness all along? Nobody’s perfect and I’m long gone, driving for days, snow-blind and tired. Don’t try to find me — I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve done nothing right. Nothing at all.

Say goodbye to nothing at all.

Dunno

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Why’s that cigarette taste so good? Dunno dunno dunno. Why can’t I do like I ought to should? Dunno dunno dunno. Even last night I was something of an idiot, drinking until something broke. Woke up with blood in my hair … Dunno dunno dunno.

Why do women make me feel so bad? Dunno dunno dunno. Making me remember what I used to have. Dunno dunno dunno. Even last night I was something of an idiot, drinking and carrying on, crying all night at your kitchen table over everything that I’d done wrong.

Why can’t I be the man that you wanted? Dunno dunno dunno. Why do I act so backward and stunted? Dunno dunno dunno. Even last night I was something of an idiot, drinking alone in my room, looking at your pictures and reading your letters, and smelling your perfume.

…

This was the first song I recorded in my new house in Tucson, AZ. The drum sounds are all made by slapping and beating the body of the upright bass, as I hadn’t moved my drums from Texas yet.

Please Don’t Forget Me

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The leaves were dry. It was July then. The birds were tired and silent, and the wind in the leaves sounded just like your voice. Baby, please don’t forget me.

I’m sorry. I was a bad dream. Baby, I must have been crazy. Wait, wait, please — there is still hope left. Stop, please, I am not done yet. Baby please don’t forget me.

Who could ever love you like I do? And who could ever love me but you?

The leaves are dead. It is December. My birthday’s tomorrow, baby. Do you remember? And I … I’m about to grow old alone. Baby please come back to me. Baby please come back to me.

Tango Bango

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(Instrumental)

I wrote this music back when I played with a band called the Holy Ghost, an eight-to-eleven-piece ensemble that sounded like a Stravinsky ballet about Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. I wrote a feature piece for each of the musicians, and this one was for the guitarist, Adam Sultan, and was called “The Adam Sultan Moment.”

I revived it recently and renamed it “Tango Bango,” as a point of departure for my new ideas about the Gadjo Bango Sound, and re-recorded it here in Tucson. It will one day fall into an instructive collection of new dance music I’ve been plotting for some time now.

Bonus track:

Below is an early sketch of the “Tango Bango” melody arranged for violin and percussion loops:

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